Thank you for serving your purpose, this is indeed my last post. You let me run riot with my emotions, show my shit talent in printmaking, show you my life photos and helping me over come something which I knew would be hard.
I've cried over my laptop to many time whilst writing a post. This is in fact the only place I let my guard down.
And I was talking to my mum tonight about a friend who no matter what bad thing happened to her, something always good would come out of it.
Is this just luck? I don't think so? I think you just make what you make out of any situation.
I'll probably start another blog, not carry on with this one. This is indeed a closed book and walking away with good memories in my head.
All my love,
and a HUGE thank you for your support and my favourites to the side
xxx
Just let it go, just let it be.
I may have been the one that lasted the longest,
but wasn't the one who was his first love.
I was just the one he had to walk away from
I was the type of the one you live and learn from.
Or maybe I was the type of the one; that should never be together
Or was I the one that was meant to last forever?
and maybe I was the one that shouldn't have got away?
Just maybe, maybe one day, once everything is settled.
and we've all grown up,
we'll know how this was meant to be,
and I probably won't be the one you can so clearly see?
''and i don't care how i go about putting that wall up or how long it takes, just as long as it doesn't tumble down when i need it to support me if i should ever decide to lean on it, then and only then, me and that wall will be just fine''
why should people know my problems, my weaknesses? that's like leaving a wound open for someone to blow dust into it.
I got some more film developed. This is me.
I don't know if this has to do with growing up and taking on more responsibility but recently, I keep evaluating my personality. This might seem really strange, but do you know when you talk about someone behind there back, you talk about what they are like as a person:
'oh I never knew they was like that' or 'They're really starting to show their colours now'.
I can't help but think, what do they say about me? I just hope its good, I really hate it when I make a bad first impression. So now when I talk to someone, it's starting to make me more aware of how I speak and how I speak about other people because I have the tendency;
to say something and mean something totally different.
Though working in a pub doesn't help, normally every company has the bitchy gossip between the staff, but because your always interacting with the customers, regular people, the gossip becomes about them as much as it is about the staff and rumours get around like bees to a honey pot. I've also notice how that the people I work with latch onto every bad thing you say about someone, never the nice. So now I try to not say anything that could even remotely be read in the wrong way and just get on with my own business and not bother about anyone else's gossip.
Dear good looking guy who gave me the pink roses on the train tonight,
I hope that our paths cross again soon.
your sincerely
the blonde girl who walked away happy with roses in hand.
Just a little note for myself, permission to ignore this;
I was dancing around my nan's living room with Grace to 'be my, be my baby' today,
Nan: How you getting on with nitting
Me: Not so well.
*nan throws books and wool at me
Nan: Here try crochet instead
I look at mum.
Mum: Its easier.
There I am sitting, trying to teach myself crochet, something else I've started and won't finish.
Same day, on the train at half eleven at night: A woman pulls out a ball of wool and a crochet needle and is doing it at the speed of light. I'm sitting there thinking; Fuck I'm crap, *slightly jealous, I couldn't get past the third row.
Remember - You can teach yourself anything, if you put your mind to it, finish it.
bloods thicker then water.
I've wanted to talk about this for a while, but i was scared I wouldn't write it to how I feel. My mums a massive believer of family are the ones you rely on and that they should always stick together regardless through thick and thin.
The past few months my mind has completely blocked this feeling out. Losing a lover is hard, though I can easily replace one. And even though he's not dead, you can't replace a dad. This may sound harsh and I never wish this upon my dad, but sometimes I think it would probably be a whole lot easier if he was dead just to ease the pain to know that it wasn't his choice to leave us. Because it hurts everyday knowing full well he picked someone he knew for less then a year over his children he taught and raised for 20years and he is still walking around, and he could try but he just doesn't want to.
Yeap he's out there somewhere, enjoying a life where he abandoned his children, he says he tried, but he never. He left saying 'we old enough not to need him anymore' But it was never about needing you dad, It was always about wanting you there. No one ever needs anyone in this world.
I know this happens to a lot of families and my mum and dad had arguments like normal couples do, you take the rough with the smooth right. I never thought that day would happen, but it happen to my family and I never knew my dad had it in him to be so selfish and cold with words, because you don't want to see the bad in the ones you love.
The funny thing is, i should blame you for a lot of things, but i don't. My mums right, if you did walk though the door now i'ld welcome you with open arms, he's my dad, but I shouldn't and I wont because it's unfair on my mum, because she's been there and she'll be there for the rest of my life, and my dad wont be there the day I move into my new house, the day I need you to come over and fix my sink or shower, the day I get married or the day I have my first child, they may be a loonngg time from now but I'll never get over the fact you left your duty as a father.
So yeah, I don't normally talk about my family on here, and watching a proud dad on t.v tonight triggered me to cry over my laptop after quite a while of holding it in and it's hard, but it's just a set back, I won't babble on about this any more.
Cristina: [Looking at a sculpture of Jesus] Are you very religious?
Juan Antonio: No, no, no, no, I'm not. The trick is to enjoy life, accepting it has no meaning whatsoever.
Cristina: No meaning? You don't think that authentic love gives life meaning?
Juan Antonio: Yes, but love is so transient. Isn't it? I was in love with a most incredible woman... and then in the end...
Vicky: Yes?
Juan Antonio: She put a knife into me...
Cristina: My God, that's terrible!
Vicky: Well, maybe you did something to deserve it
Juan Antonio: Maria Elena used to say that only unfulfilled love can be romantic
Vicky Christian Barcelona is a breath taking film, it is one of my favourite films. I've blogged about it before ageess ago and i never get bored of watching it. It has everything I love in one film; Barcelona, travelling, romance, art and a carefree out look on life. It's set in one of the most idyllic places ever. This film made me fall in love with Europe, because life is so simple in most European countries. Europe is so underrated and has some of the most beautiful sights and it hides such creative and talented people. I would love to take a year out and live somewhere in Europe.
How people can juggle there life so well, amazes me, I pretty sure its a talent that I don't have, I struggle with;
- Going to full time fine art and photography classes during the week
- Getting course works done for my classes
- Going to work in the pub 3 times a week, in the evenings
- Doing enough work for the new shop to open, because that is quite litterally my life for the next 5 years at the least
- And keeping my room clean
Also I found this on Cats Blog - (CiTiEs of B) she is indeed a little cutie from Barcelona!
I will give anything a try, to make myself feel productive, because I am quite lazy and I become a horrible, horrible person when I'm stressed, and my mum can vouch for that.
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